presents for my shadow

[enkigrl]

1: Mobility. Yep, she needs to roam. I'm making teeny-teeny-baby-steps toward getting my car legal and functioning, but I'm still a massive chickenshit when it comes to driving it. One of my eternal tender spots - I hate doing something I'm not good at. Right now, I suck ASS at driving stick. Yes, so does everyone, I KNOW this. I also know that I WILL be able to learn. Doesn't help much. Hell, I went through the same trauma when I learned to drive for the first time. I feared practicing, fucked up in all kinds of stupid ways 'cause I was crazy nervous about it, didn't actually get my license 'til senior year of high school. Maybe I need to be hypnotically regressed, remember what got me driving finally. *Snerk* Despite all this silliness, I DO love to drive. Had a blast zipping around in mama's car when I went up north in May.

2: Strength. I have funny issues about working out. Beyond simple laziness, of course - and if you haven't yet guessed that 'laziness' is my catch-all excuse for things I'm afraid to do for one illogical reason or another, I'm letting you in on the secret now. Hee. Part of me lumps all working-out type activities with girlish neuroses - with diet fads and anorexia and 'do you think i look fat in this?' questioning. Really, though, I just wanna be tough. I want to be able to lift my own weight, be able to climb a rope, be able to throw a solid punch. I want the harmonic purr that comes from the outside matching the inside.

3: Aggression. And this, connecting. For all my growl, all my rant, I get very freaked around unchecked emotions, and that includes physical anger. I know I have it in me to kick an ass that needs kicking, that's not the problem. I'm wonderfully protective and fierce when drunk, say, when the inhibitions have been chemically lowered. The problem is learning how to overcome my superego-y "good citizens don't act out" mantra when ass DOES need to be kicked. I seriously doubt I need help in learning to control myself - I think I need to learn how to let the control SLIP a little.



thoughts thoughts thoughts.

Comments

[mavia.livejournal.com]

Just keep asking yourself, "Would Tank Girl be afraid to drive shift?" Hell no, she'd be driving that mothah right off a cliff, terrifying her passengers!

I need to do more working out myself.

[paniolo99.livejournal.com]

heh.

"What would Tank Girl do?" is what I ask myself whenever I'm being a chickenshit weenie girl.

[enkigrl.livejournal.com]

*imagining a tiny tank on my shoulder, screaming and stabbing my ear with her pitchfork*

oh, yeah. that could work. *grin*

[enkigrl.livejournal.com]

*Snerk* Well, I DO have liability insurance now, which makes driving people off cliffs more financially feasible...

Heeheehee!