presents for my shadow
Oct. 28th, 2003 01:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enkigrl1: Mobility. Yep, she needs to roam. I'm making teeny-teeny-baby-steps toward getting my car legal and functioning, but I'm still a massive chickenshit when it comes to driving it. One of my eternal tender spots - I hate doing something I'm not good at. Right now, I suck ASS at driving stick. Yes, so does everyone, I KNOW this. I also know that I WILL be able to learn. Doesn't help much. Hell, I went through the same trauma when I learned to drive for the first time. I feared practicing, fucked up in all kinds of stupid ways 'cause I was crazy nervous about it, didn't actually get my license 'til senior year of high school. Maybe I need to be hypnotically regressed, remember what got me driving finally. *Snerk* Despite all this silliness, I DO love to drive. Had a blast zipping around in mama's car when I went up north in May.
2: Strength. I have funny issues about working out. Beyond simple laziness, of course - and if you haven't yet guessed that 'laziness' is my catch-all excuse for things I'm afraid to do for one illogical reason or another, I'm letting you in on the secret now. Hee. Part of me lumps all working-out type activities with girlish neuroses - with diet fads and anorexia and 'do you think i look fat in this?' questioning. Really, though, I just wanna be tough. I want to be able to lift my own weight, be able to climb a rope, be able to throw a solid punch. I want the harmonic purr that comes from the outside matching the inside.
3: Aggression. And this, connecting. For all my growl, all my rant, I get very freaked around unchecked emotions, and that includes physical anger. I know I have it in me to kick an ass that needs kicking, that's not the problem. I'm wonderfully protective and fierce when drunk, say, when the inhibitions have been chemically lowered. The problem is learning how to overcome my superego-y "good citizens don't act out" mantra when ass DOES need to be kicked. I seriously doubt I need help in learning to control myself - I think I need to learn how to let the control SLIP a little.
thoughts thoughts thoughts.
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Date: 2003-10-28 11:44 am (UTC)I need to do more working out myself.
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Date: 2003-10-28 12:43 pm (UTC)"What would Tank Girl do?" is what I ask myself whenever I'm being a chickenshit weenie girl.
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Date: 2003-10-28 12:55 pm (UTC)oh, yeah. that could work. *grin*
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Date: 2003-10-28 01:12 pm (UTC)Heeheehee!
i love you!
Date: 2003-10-28 12:21 pm (UTC)Re: i love you!
Date: 2003-10-28 01:10 pm (UTC)Rage against the Macho machiene
Date: 2003-10-28 10:59 pm (UTC)But the work out thing, come now ripped muscles girly? BAH! I was jsut telling eric the other day I want to start working out to see what i could acomplish. I know i could get buff but i want to see what i could do with myself. I need to strengthen my back and stuff. You should look at it like being able to pummle the inferior bratlings would be a lovely reward.
RAGE is all teh fashion, well at least in my world. I adore lashing out and flying off the handle. mmmmm yes true anger in the heat of its fire always involves a loss of control, you get so caught in the heat of the moment and *boing* off you go! Black out rages are bad however. whaen you realize you have just said something and have no reccolection of what ...now thats not so good. So i guess the key is letting go ...but not letting go when too enveloped ....
Then again what do i know its late and i took a nap today (which i never do) so obvious i am in a non normal state of mind :)
Re: Rage against the Macho machiene
Date: 2003-10-29 07:34 am (UTC)and yeah, rage has never been my problem, not in that direction, at least. when my rage DOES pop, it goes in completely the opposite direction - i'm as cold and cutting as ice, i dismiss you as non-existent. i think a little burning could only do me good. hell, explosive rage would be easier for most people to understand - which is why being cold is so. damned. effective.